The Lessons of Honest Expression.
Dennis Rodman, Donald Trump, the guy who wrote: The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, and many more. You are my heroes in some ways. I am not you, but I strive to get to the point where I can care less. I strive to find the courage to express my truest self.
Anxiety is a feeling that makes me feel sick to my stomach. It is a visceral sensation of both emptiness and a knot in my gut. I would get the same feeling before High School track races, which I hated! I didn’t want to become a slave to anxiety or fear. I went on a quest to find out what makes me feel anxious.
I noticed an interesting pattern. In the morning, I would frequently listen to a radio station that had a prank call happening at a set time. Their goal would be to get the person on the other line really fired up. The host tried to get them to say some profanities and then laugh it off and say, “you have been pranked. “
Even though it was a fake conflict and happening at a predictable time and day, it still gave me that same feeling every time! “Hmmm, interesting,” I thought to myself.
I then noticed that I got the same sensation when I saw people arguing on Facebook or IG. And once again, I felt it whenever I saw Trump’s face, a man who lives for conflict.
At this point, it was safe to call it what it is. I developed anxiety over conflict. I feared discord. Not even within my own life, but watching others argue put my stomach in a knot. It turns out this fear and the feeling that came with it turned me into a chronic people pleaser.
You better believe I tried to avoid conflict with all my might. I would do anything to bypass this awful sensation. I would always imagine the bad situation ahead of time to escape it.
Ironically this is also how I learned about the concept of ‘self-fulfilling prophecy.’ Turns out, the more you think and focus on something, the more you are likely to manifest it. My fears of arguing and great imaginative abilities seemed to always come to fruition. I clashed with the very people I cared about.
I have no idea where I got the idea that stating my opinion was wrong. But, I had come to believe that it will end in a fight if I speak my mind.
I had learned to keep to myself and to take the path of agreeing. Meanwhile, inside, I would be conflicted. I tried my hardest to hide my thoughts and emotions. I would boil like a pot of hot water but never let the steam out. Out of fear, I did not allow myself to express my true thoughts and my authentic self. But everything has a price.
I used to live on a lake in NJ, it was the kind of neighborhood where no one locks their doors, and everyone knows each other by name. I got to be close to my neighbor. She was a single mom and an overworked nurse. For some reason, she found a special respite in my back yard. About 6 months after living next to her, we finished our casual hellos by my front door, and I said goodbye. However, she proceeded to walk to the back of My House to enjoy the lake view. I thought it was weird. It bothered me a lot. But I did not say anything.
Fast forward two years, this behavior continued. Until one day, I walked out to my living room to change, only to find my neighbor showing her friend my back yard. I felt as she was a realtor showing my property to a potential buyer. I had certainly become a guest in my own house. As soon as I could resolve my naked situation, I stepped foot outside with a casual:
“Hey, what are you guys doing?”
My neighbor replied:
“ This is my friend so and so. I was showing her your beautiful back yard; you don’t mind, do you?”
Guess what I said?
“No, I don’t.” I stormed back into the house to hide.
At this point, I was literally shaking and about to blow my gasket. I tried to talk myself off the ledge, but it was too late. The steam had to come out.
It came out in a fury of text messages about violating my privacy and unacceptable behavior and so forth. I followed up with an apology. I expressed my regret for such harsh words. I tried to explain this has bothered me for a while. That I should have said something a long time ago. But I never did out of fear of offending her.
For over two years, I suffered my privacy being infringed upon ever so slightly over and over again. I tolerated it for the sake of keeping the peace. In the end, the result was everything that I did not want: a really pissed neighbor who was furious at me. That relationship was ruined.
Around the same time, I was on a quest to start my business. Through some networking, I came across another business owner. We clicked almost instantly. Within 3 months of collaborating, he asked me if I want to be his business partner. Inside I thought, “Wow, this flattering, but a little odd. We barely know each other. But maybe, this is exactly what I need as a newbie business owner, a seasoned partner.” So I said: “Yes!” I then continued to say “Yes” to initiatives by him like team building, spilling my guts about my previous work experience and failed relationships, and writing out our strengths and weaknesses. I was trying really hard to please him and to make it work.
I gave this a hard solid go. I was too scared to speak my mind about how I really felt. To me, it always felt like too much too fast. Cooped up emotions eventually found their way out. Can you guess what happened next?
Yep, we barely speak anymore.
Around the same time, as this relationship was coming to an end, I met a fascinating person. He would mentor me professionally and help me grow in ways that I had always wanted to. He also had become a really good friend with whom I could talk just about anything. I would never want to do anything to jeopardize this relationship…
Have you gotten the feeling of where this is all going?
I always got a kick out of watching Jersey Shore in the very same way. Their awkward attempts at navigating life’s lessons on TV made me feel better about myself. In not knowing how to express my negative emotions constructively, I found myself trapped by them. I can now see the repeating cycle.
“Be brave. Face your fear of conflict and speak your mind. Be your authentic self. Stop giving your power away. The opinion of others does not make you or break you. I love you and respect you.” — A gentle reminder to self.
